


i've been thinking too much

by wonderinwhywebotherwithlife



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Binary Chara, Non-Binary Frisk, Other, Self-Harm, suicidal Chara, thoughts of suicide/methods
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-19 11:54:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8205881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderinwhywebotherwithlife/pseuds/wonderinwhywebotherwithlife
Summary: There is a room where Chara breaks down, and where Frisk helps put them back together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is no real plot, just Chara having problems and Frisk trying to be the voice of reason helping them through things.

The sound of rain plays softly like a song in the background of where the two stand. Frisk pays no attention to it; Chara thinks it makes an apt soundtrack to the quiet sadness seeping into their bones, wearing away at their flesh and ever so gently drowning their mind. They feel it pressing on them, on their heart, like a deceivingly thin veil with the weight to drag them down. It makes it harder to do anything so they stand like a corpse – not moving, talking or thinking – instead opting to stare at the ground as though burning a hole straight through it with their vacant red eyes. A hole which they could fall into and call it a day; quit feeling, quit breathing. Chara imagines they feel their chest tug at them in a feeble attempt at persuading them to get on with living their life. But life, what life? Their life is black and crumbling around the soles of their feet.

“You have a life,” whispers Frisk, bringing their hands to cup Chara’s cheek delicately. “You have good qualities, and a future, people who care about you –”

“They don’t care about me,” Chara interrupts, “not really. Why would they?” Frisk opens their mouth to argue but Chara fixes them a look that says _I won’t believe otherwise, don’t even try._ Frisk sighs.

“You think that no one understands you, but it goes both ways. Maybe you don’t understand why people care about you but they do and I think they have good reason to. I care about you.”

“You’re an exception, you were stuck with me.”

“But I chose to stay,” Frisk counters. “Have MERCY, Chara please. Forgive yourself. You don’t deserve this much hate, least of all from yourself. I almost think you’ll self-combust from it.” That pulls a quiet chuckle out of them – wouldn’t it be hilarious if they could die like that? _Suicide by self-hatred._ It has a ring to it. Then again, self-hatred would be the cause of their suicide anyway, just not the method. They envisage their feelings like a vat of fuel, set fire to with sparks from struck knives. Self-immolation would hurt, though.

“Stop thinking about it,” Frisk says abruptly. “Bad train of thought.” _Right._ They probably shouldn’t be thinking about methods. But now the knives are in their hands, absent-mindedly spinning around their slender fingers before pointing at their body as though having a mind to rip Chara apart.

“Stop,” Frisk whispers, but the pull of self-destruction is a wire tied around Chara’s throat, and they could never resist. How could they, when all they ever deserved was pain and suffering? All the hurt they had caused – they deserved that back, tenfold, and this is why their fingertips twitch with an ache to drag across their porcelain skin.

Except Frisk is there, slowly twisting the knives out of Chara’s grip whilst they are still dazed with the force of their own emotions.

“Not tonight.”

And that is that.


	2. Chapter 2

There is thunder this time. Thunder and camera-flash lightning to freeze the moment in time where Chara sobs and rakes their nails through their scalp as though that could make them feel anything different. Nails aren’t as sharp as knives, and Chara is _trying,_ trying so hard not to injure themselves so much because there is simply no point and they are stupid for even wanting it. There is the desperate ache for _scars_ , but that is the curse of this body – it returns to smooth porcelain no matter how many times Chara cuts into their skin. Which is something Frisk is fiercely thankful for because how would they manage to care for Chara if they had to think about bandages and infections besides Chara’s turbulent mental state?

It’s not like Frisk doesn’t have feelings of their own to deal with. They know sadness, know what it’s like to feel everyone they know against them. But they also know that ‘everyone they know’ does not encompass the entire universe. That there must be someone out there who they’ve never met and yet understands them.  Frisk knows that there’s good in the world – they just have to be persistent enough to find it. True, the only place they had ever found such compassion was in the Underground after practically breaking down and running up a dangerous mountain, but it was proof enough for them that love exists. It was enough to give them the hope that everyone can find companionship in a cruel world that is not easy on those who are alone.

The difference between Chara and Frisk is that Frisk has hope. Chara doesn’t. But that isn’t enough to make Frisk give up on them.

So when Chara starts to calm down a little, Frisk gets them to sit on the floor together, slowly rocking them in a tight hug as Chara tries to process emotions they can’t quite understand. And Frisk gets that, because Chara has never known any sadness but their own. They don’t know much about Chara’s life before the Underground, only that they had been young and unable to identify other people’s feelings except for the anger and spite that had been their source of fear. After that they had only seen the monsters’ kindness, never exposed to the problems faced by other people. How could they then be blamed for not knowing how to handle things like longing, guilt and shame?

“No one loves me they think they do but that’s only because they don’t know me I’m terrible Frisk terrible you know how terrible I am don’t you?” Chara babbles suddenly, looking up at Frisk with tear-stained cheeks and squinty eyes. The image makes their heart pound as they reach for a tissue box. Chara doesn’t deserve this.

“I know the terrible things you did, and the terrible things you wanted me to do, but I’m still here aren’t I?” Frisk carefully dabs at Chara’s face with a tissue as they speak. “I forgive you, and so does everyone else because we know you have a good heart. You mean well, you just… don’t know yet how to translate that into actions. You’re learning, which is good, it’s a change.”

“But people don’t change,” Chara insists. “Not in the ways that really matter. And when everyone sees that I’m still no different, they’ll leave.”

Frisk tosses the damp tissue away, then lightly brushes away the strands of hair clinging to Chara’s face. “Maybe people don’t change, but you’ve always been a good person in the ways that matter.” They pause for a moment. “I know you’re scared of everyone turning their backs on you, but you really need to start believing that I’m here to stay.”

“I know, I guess… when it comes to you, I’m trying.”

“That’s a start.”

And that’s good enough for both of them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chara does some thinking about hope, and Frisk.

It’s one of those days where Chara doesn’t really know how they feel. They’re tense, eyes fixated on a spot on the ground some distance away, a knife held precariously by their fingertips. Nothing _bad_ has happened today (so far), but they can’t shake the feeling of being on edge, as though preparing for some imminent disaster. Their heart feels like it would burst at the slightest disturbance, and they feel a little crazed with the undercurrent of energy buzzing through them.

Frisk sits on the ground some distance away, likely watching them, though Chara won’t lift their eyes to check. Their companion is probably worried about them (when _isn’t_ Frisk worried about them?) but Chara has no space in their mind to alleviate others’ concerns. Their current mood isn’t one that lends itself to accepting Frisk’s kind words and gentle expression – in fact, one look at Frisk would probably make their blood boil right now.

You see, at times, looking at Frisk was like facing a giant wall full of encouraging words and pictures, the kind you would find by Googling ‘motivation’. And Chara wouldn’t deny the fact that these things would surely bring comfort to others – the words held truth, and had the ability to help people in small ways. Yet Chara could never feel anything but contempt for such hopeful ideas, and that makes them _angry_. Angry at the world for making them this way – a cold hard shell with a tempest for a heart, and unable to accept the help which Frisk so desperately wants to give. It’s as though Chara can’t allow themselves to want anything but to fail miserably and dramatically; to punish themselves over and over. _MERCY…?_ – Chara has none left to give, and certainly not to themselves.

How, then, could Chara put trust in the words that said to believe in themselves, not to give up, and that tomorrow would be brighter?

On the other hand, they suppose, Frisk isn’t simply all sunshine and rainbows. They understand Chara’s feelings, to some extent at least. Chara is all too aware of how circumstances could change – flip you on your back and kick you when you’re down – and though Frisk is always hopeful of a brighter future, they understand that this world can hurt and maim in incomprehensible ways. Frisk wouldn’t patronise them or tell them ‘everything will be ok’ without knowing and pointing out exactly the ways in which the universe had made it possible for that happy ending to come into fruition. Because that’s what Chara needs; they can’t deal with vague promises of distant happiness, and certainly wouldn’t bet on the universe being willing to give them anything close to contentment in life.

So maybe they don’t have the capacity to deal with Frisk at this precise moment, but their companion was the only person that Chara had ever come to truly trust. Even Asriel was never clued in to the extent of their sadness ( _deep, crushing and suffocating_ ), and Chara had loved him more than any of the monsters they had met. Frisk was different – they knew so from the moment their souls tied together – and though Chara is petrified Frisk will become disgusted with them and leave, somehow, somewhere in their heart is the knowledge that that will never happen.

And that is _trust._


End file.
